575 farewell

this is my last post. =)

i want to start all over again this coming 2005, and part of it is leaving behind this online journal.

2004 will go down in my personal history as the year that i became a moonbeam; the year that i shared the minute details of my life with the world.

===

2004 will have a special place in my heart not because it is the most recent one, but because many things happened to me this year that i know in the deepest part of my heart will still find me again in the future.

i took the actual first few steps of the working class. 2003 was just the stretching of my catapult. in 2004 i flew.

i came face to face with life. i walked so i will have a meal. i skipped meals to be able to go home. i prayed for work. i was denied, i was granted.

i dabbled in video editing and animation. i attempted to write poems. i sang in secret.

i loved in 2004. i was moved by it. i experienced the pain that goes along with it and the joy that arises from its ashes.

2004 made me lose myself into things. it showed me what it is like to be found.

2004 taught me that just because you work this way and you know what you are doing doesn't mean that people who work in a different way do not know what they are doing.

i met blogfriends - flyingschoolgal, noreia, silent_h20, shadowfall, jackal, exgroupie, - most of whom i actually might not meet in my lifetime. but still, once in our lives we met. virtually nga lang.

i met new friends - marti my mountain brother, mundi my fellow filmfreak and the rest of streetpark productions, ma'am liza, rae, peaches, tita aida & tita sonia under funny circumstances, kathy and the rest of her 'elite' group ( i don't know why i am awkward with that word), ed, jurette, khavn, tita chits, tin, april, joanna, and many others.

i will never forget that it is in 2004 that i walked the alleys at 2am, stepped on a pair of cockroaches(?) and told the whole world about it.

i learned how to drive and how to play time after time.

I experienced prejudice and discrimination; i was dismissed as that nice boy who was just too 'nice'. i too classified other people and later i learned how to deal with them.

I can go on and on with this list. But i know that i am just stalling time, knowing that i won't be doing this perhaps in a long time, talking with you, someone i really dont know but somehow i've met a long time ago.

I'm going back to writing in my journal again. perhaps in time, when i get to make that dream movie or book or animation out of all this blog entries and whatever else i will encounter in the near future, you will come across it and know that you once knew me. ;)

ah, email me! i love email correspondences once in a while.

goodbye =)

posted by moonbeam at December 30, 2004 00:46 | link | comments (14)

574 pickled christmas

past the layers of christmas being about rudolph and santa and red plus green,

beyond the carols and gift-giving and all the holiday cheers,

way deeper than sharing what we have and meeting long lost loved ones,

i want to tell you that Christ is real.

He is real. He came, He died, He rose again. He loved.

You may easily dismiss me as one of them Jesus freaks. You might just go with the idea that i was raised in a Christian family with all those values spoonfed to me since i was a child, hence my present faith. You could easily stereotype me, ah one of those nice goodie people. ah a Christian.

But i will tell you this: I still and i will believe in Him. I am not a scholar of The Book; many times i cannot even quote a straight passage from the Bible. I do not claim to know everything about Him with all my heart. I cannot comprehend a lot of things about Him.

I have my doubts, I have my questions. I definitely have my issues.

I struggle. You have no idea.

But how He continually manifests His grace far outweighs every inch of my doubt of Him.

A love that claims everything in me. A love that never lets go.

He loves me.

I run away and He loves me. I deny Him and He loves me. I question His will, I doubt His plans I constantly ignore Him I love others I refuse to listen refuse to move refuse to surrender and He tells me He loves me.

Can I ever love the way He loves me?

I totally messed up the thought-trail of this entry. and He still loves me. Just the way He loves you.

Happy Christmas!

posted by moonbeam at December 29, 2004 23:51 | link | comments (2)

573

one friend asked me if i finally moved on. i just smiled back.

honestly, i'm far from it all right now.

a few months ago things were chaotic. i found myself unable to define my emotions, my situation, my mind. i really did not know how to address things. limbo. total limbo.

but as expected, time does wonders to one's heart.

no, i'm not really diverting my attention; i was just joking. i have already resolved to leave things as it is right now.

and i'm not rooting for a new one either.

i'm just thrilled with the idea that you really actually always meet new people.

i'm just fascinated with the idea of her, of that one person who could actually stick with me even when i'm in my lowest messy point. to still spend the rest of the night talking about the things we both love, even if we talk of the same things everytime we meet. i'm just new to this idea that someone could actually still be able to look straight in my eyes when talking, even if i have loads of eyebags, a giant pimple on the nose (hohoho santa's calling me), and i'm already half asleep. to keep up with my long walks and poor sense of direction. to laugh at my jokes and to swim in my sense of humor.

call this juvenile, but i will never get over the idea that someone somewhere is able to really look through me, past those crusty layers of physical flaws and defenses i've had and made over the past 20 years.

i wonder, what is it like to be seen as the person i really am - not the nice harmless goodie Christian, not the clumsy absent minded editor, not the blogger, not the frustrated illustrator, not the director wannabee, not the moviefreak?

what is it like to be in one place at one time with one person and hear your heart whisper to you, this is right?

gulay. i feel so highschool-ish. if God has plans for me to find the answers to these questions, i'll be looking forward to it.

if He has none, oh well.

my heart sings out tonight.

If you put your arms around me
Could it change the way I feel
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just
Bleed it's way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out...of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see
Give me reason to believe
Never leave me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine
It so easily defines me
Do you see it on my face?
And all I can think about
Is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me

And I'm still fighting for the
Word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look
In your eyes, you'll stare right
Back down into something beautiful.

- JoC

Lord, i am notorious of messing things up. please help me take good care of this one.

and Lord, one day, turn me into something wonderful.

posted by moonbeam at December 11, 2004 00:53 | link | comments (9)

572

memories from a video-edit marathon held last sunday to wednesday.

 

posted by moonbeam at December 10, 2004 23:50 | link | comments (2)

571 this wednesday

i'm.

going.

to.

watch.

2046!!!!!!

imgoingtowatch2046imgoingtowatch2046imgoingtowatch2046imgoingtowatch2046

imgoingtowatch2046imgoingtowatch2046imgoingtowatch2046imgoingtowatch2046!!

wanna watch it with me?

that is, if i survive monday, tuesday, and wednesday afternoon. i was just staring at my planner earlier and i already feel the heavy tug at my heart, about all the things i have to accomplish by wednesday afternoon. i. will. survive.

pass the injectible extra joss please....

posted by moonbeam at December 05, 2004 16:20 | link | comments (3)

570

This coming Friday, I’m going to have a small talk with first graders about my, uhm, profession .one of them.

 

My teacher-friend explained to me that most of her students nowadays only dream of becoming either a doctor, lawyer, or scientist (I’m not sure if I got the third one correct). So on friday, there will be this sort of 'career-talk-for-1st-graders thingie, and musicians and artists will do the talking to give the children more career options to pursue in the future.

 

And I’m going to talk about myself, as an animator. Oh no.

 

I am nervous for these reasons:

 

1. I’m really not an animator-animator. Right now, I have a lot of mini-professions, and animation is only one of them. Which means, I really don’t specialize in animation. Come to think of it, I don’t specialize in anything at all. Sniff.

2. In my entire life, I’ve only done 2 animated shorts, and both of them were done back when I was still in college. Honestly I feel that i'm not yet validated as an animator. Sure I've got lots of those animated corporate logos, but 1st graders. wut-d-hell-would-they-do-with-animated-corporate-logos-right?

3. The type of animation that I do is not one of those glossy cartoon-networky types. Mine is more of a CCP-reject.

4. I. have. stage fright. I think it started way back when I was in my 3^rd grade when in front of a large crowd I forgot the second and third stanza of the poem i was reciting. the poem was three stanzas long.  I know I know, I wont be on stage this time and I only have grade 1 students for an audience but the mere idea of me being the center of attention and me being spontaneous and all makes my heart palpitate. See I’m already palpitating. Even though I’ve stopped drinking coffee for a month now (oh that’s entirely another story J )

5. a career talk for me usually has a very passionate resource person declaring his/her love for whatever he/she is doing. I need triple the amount of whatever passion i have inside to at least ignite something in my first graders.

Friday is going to be a very long day.

 

Amy told me her students will come in their what-i-want-to-be-when-i-grow-up attire. I’ll try to take some pictures and post them here or in my photoblog. I do wish to see one of them wearing that superman costume.

 

Pray for me pls!

posted by moonbeam at December 01, 2004 04:46 | link | comments (5)

569

Dear you,

I never expected to see you today.

I was on my way home after a long day when I accidentally bumped into you.

While you were in your usual cheerful disposition which I am obviously so fond of, there I was, clumsy with words. I think I even held my smile back a little. I avoided your eyes.

 

I offered nothing but one liners and that dumb thing about me going to Vinzon’s to buy that thundercats t-shirt, and you told me you don’t even know anything about thundercats.

 

It  is all too obvious now: only one of us was  and is still shaken, and yes it’s me.

 

It is only this afternoon, under the acacia trees enjoying the rain, that I’ve come to terms with what happened a month ago.

 

No matter how I try to convince myself that no rejection took place because no one asked to be measured up in the first place, the fact that you drove me away, the way you told me to just forget about everything  – these still speak of the same thing.  An uncalled verdict, but nevertheless a verdict. 

 

Where do unspoken words go to?

Like souls, do they go to some place far away and become something I should look forward to?

Or are they just as dead and buried and will soon rot away without any traces?

 

Fly away on the 19^th my  dear, and  start building your dreams.

 

This is going to be a very long recovery.

 

posted by moonbeam at December 01, 2004 04:38 | link | comments (1)