563

for the record, i still read your name on the posters, billboards and flyers I encounter everyday.

i still see your initials oddly carved on that monobloc chair at the lobby of one of the offices i go to.

It's true, i haven't been talking to you and about you for some time now, but that does not lessen the veracity of what supposedly should have been there.

before you left that afternoon, you asked me if there was anything else that you needed to hear. i still had things to tell you, i know. but it was only during our prior conversation that i realized this: there are things better left unsaid and unanswered for now. funny, i had the same heart months ago. i really don't know what happened.

everything was supposed to be just a gentle quiet affirmation, something that would've held a promise. but you chose to end it all right there and then. maybe it was something out of panic, some sort of defense mechanism, of self-preservation. But then again, maybe not. Maybe the decision to lock the doors for me was slowly building up in you at the very same time the courage to knock on the door was building up in me. or maybe it already was, right from the start.

And there is no way to know for now.

I stand at the edge of the cliff, looking at the many other roads i might possibly take from here. I pray that God would make my wings strong enough for me to land on one of these roads gracefully and continue my journey.

I pray for yours too, as i have always been.

Maybe somewhere in the far horizon, on one of these roads, we'll get to share another short chapter again, maybe not. We'll never know until we're there.

For now, let us spread our wings.

posted by moonbeam at October 30, 2004 04:27 | link | comments (2)

562 best of times

 

posted by moonbeam at October 22, 2004 03:31 | link | comments (12)

561 hazy days and window movies

one day i will make a movie about windows all over the Philippines.though i have no story yet.

posted by moonbeam at October 15, 2004 21:22 | link | comments (13)

560

i've been given this offer to take part in a travelogue tv show  recently, and suddenly i'm both speechless and clueless.  there were only three things that i wanted to do since i was a sophomore, in no particular order and logic(hehe): animation, travel, and storytelling(regardless the medium).  and now two of them stares me at the face.  currently i have a wonderful animation project, and now that phone call from that travelogue show.

crossroads, crossroads.

oh we've just started out our own production house recently, and i am excited for us. but i must admit that i'm nervous too. while setting things up with our baby company, i do some freelance work of my own, and i've been working with several other people who've been working in the industry itself. and i saw how much i can still improve in my craft. now  i feel that i am too raw and inefficient to really really pull it off and raise pitik-bulag production to heights.  i need more training. i need experience. i really dont know. 

 i need leading.

Lord, show me the stuff dreams are made of.

posted by moonbeam at October 15, 2004 10:31 | link | comments (7)

559 a sad post.

I must learn to let go.

 

Time and again I’ve learned and re-learned this lesson. There are always these times when  I must let go of things, people and places, even if it means letting go of all the unfinished stories that go along with them.

 

A year and a half ago when I first met her, I started praying for something. Not for her, I must say,  but for God to take away that naïve feeling that was starting to form as I came to know her more. I was bound be hurt, I know, if I even consider entertaining those thoughts of pursuing someone like her.

 

I got away with it I thought, when I graduated a year earlier than her.

Months  passed by.

I got busy with work, searching for my place in the industry.

She got busy with schoolwork too, perhaps.

 

But time and again I found myself staring at reflections everywhere and recalling with every detail those numbered conversations I’ve had with her. I vividly recalled how she played with my keychain, how she dreamt of  becoming the owner of  a record bar, how she sang. 

 

Her thesis came, and she asked for my help.  Before I met her again, I went to the prayer mountain with two of my friends.   I needed time to talk with God. Not just the casual one, but I needed to really pour out my attention to Him, without the urban distractions, because I so desperately needed leading. The next morning, I dreaded going down from the mountains  because I was sure I was bound for some heartache.

 

Her thesis shoot came, and it was then that I learned that she’ll be leaving this December. Together with her mom to join his dad. 

 

There you go Lord, clear as crystal.

 

I don’t know about the future, but for now, this is what You’re telling me. I submit. Yes, with a shattered heart, but nevertheless I submit.

 

But there was this one last thing that I wanted to do.

I know how ugly the scars of canned emotions can get. 

 

I wanted to give her something special for her birthday (this October).

 

I came up with this bday video thingie and  I interviewed her friends and relatives; all the affirmation I can get for her.  I wanted her to hear what the people around her has to say about her, how they all appreciate her and love her.  Yes, as what I’ve told my friends, it was a birthday/graduation/going away present.

 

The three-week affair with her relatives and friends went well; all because of  her parent’s support. I actually enjoyed doing the video, every minute of it.

 

But she misinterpreted the whole thing when she finally saw the video  and thought of it as some sort of step towards winning her, to the extent of using her family,  and she was badly pressured about it.

 

And now she refuses to talk to me.

 

No matter how I try to tell her it was a gift, a free gift, something freely given, it just won’t register with her anymore.

 

No matter how I try to ask her to sit down and listen to what I have to say, she won’t come near me.

 

God, if only I could make her stop, sit down and make her realize that no one’s chasing her anymore. That I’ve given up the chase even before she started running.

 

And now a friendship is ruined. She tells me that.

 

What breaks my heart is the fact that she won’t listen to me anymore. That  I was treated as some typical suitor who appeared practically from nowhere and devises plans to ‘win’ her heart.

 

And what breaks my heart the most is that no matter how I try to comprehend every action I’ve made and every response she gave, I can’t.

 

I’m letting her go now, with all the false assumptions she’s made of me and all the  things I long to explain to her.

 

Perhaps in time, I would understand why. Perhaps in time, she would learn to sit and listen.

 

No, I won’t dwell. But I will be a hypocrite if I told you I’m not longing for the time that I’ll understand all these things, and I hope she does too.

 

But for now, I must manifest my high EQ in front of my friends. All I have to do is stay away from all those Korean love stories where characters would actually talk their hearts out and listen to each other so that no matter how their relationships end, there’s still this closure that warms the heart of the viewers all over the world.  Ah what am I talking about.

 

Smile moonbeam, lots of surprises are still in store for you.

posted by moonbeam at October 13, 2004 02:01 | link | comments (17)

558

on my way home last night i saw two cockroaches making love in the middle of the road. i accidentally squished them.

make way for moonbeam, scourge of lovers.

posted by moonbeam at October 04, 2004 14:11 | link | comments (10)