#496

whoa. look at this. and this. suddenly i want to go to poland.

posted by moonbeam at March 27, 2004 00:59 | link | comments (7)

#495  coffee issue

so there i was after a while of coffee abstinence. must work, the whole night. i. need. coffee.

made a cup. fresh-ground.

i left it on the table, sniffing the well-missed aroma.  then out of nowhere my father comes and asks...

"Anak, pwede ba ako makisawsaw ng pandesal?" (Son, may i dip my bread there?) <- haha had a hard time here

It took every ounce of my strength to deny his request. and heavens, that pan de sal was from pan de manila. a very large one. enough to spoil my cup. you know how pan de sal ruins your coffee. especially for someone like me that likes it black. coffee and nothing else. after the first dip, crumbs fall. the little ones that stays at your lips when u drink from your mug. then the second. then the third, and after  the pandesal is gone, what was once black coffee looks like milo already. thick with bread crumbs.

argh.

but he's my father. the same one who worked hard for years to provide for us. the same one who worked 8-6p 5days a week to provide for my education so that i can work so that i can buy that bag of batangas brew so that i have something to keep me alive tonight.

i surrender.

blop-swish-plop-munch-mmmmm.   the pan de sal  said.

posted by moonbeam at March 26, 2004 19:51 | link | comments

# 494

what kind of movies do you watch when you're sad?  slapstick?  adam sandler?  something to make you laugh?

when i'm sad i go for melodramas. the more tragic, the better. somehow i find it effective watching sad movies when i'm sad. that way, i can go  all the way down the bottom of the ocean with the movie, and somehow,  when i am in harmony with its sentiments, i too am lifted when everything is redeemed at the end.  and whenever there's no redemption at the end, somehow i still manage to grow a bit from it and find logic in whatever's bothering me. or i'm reminded that there's some logic in it, human or not.

thank God for the dramas.

i. am. moonbeam.
i watch korean melodramas when i'm sad.
in my side of the world, everything is perfectly normal.
pass the tissue please.

posted by moonbeam at March 25, 2004 17:39 | link | comments (5)

#493

sometimes i hate it.

i laugh at the face of any situation and i hate it.

i am a typical 20-something person with the same average intellect as those people i ride the bus with. reacting to certain things with the same degree of emotion as everyone else does. but my first physical manifestation is laughter. i'm angry, i laugh. i'm sad, i laugh.i'm happy, i laugh. i'm hungry, i laugh.

it's like this snap-on mask that automatically covers my face everytime i 'm with people. no, i'm not 'pretending' to laugh, and i so hate the thought of me fooling my friends as to how i feel about certain things. for heaven's sake, i'm not being dishonest with myself. it's just that perhaps i'm built this way.

and when everyone leaves, my laughter stops. it is when i am left to myself that i am reminded, no, affirmed that i'm just another tired and wounded traveller.

posted by moonbeam at March 25, 2004 17:22 | link | comments (2)

# 492  bitterness resurrected

this is one of my favorite pictures ever.

i took this picture back when i was still a sophomore.  i was so amazed at the image of the early morning sunshine reaching inside this uninteresting and lifeless room full of old things.

and *sniff*

nobody else liked this picture. even my professor.

posted by moonbeam at March 25, 2004 03:52 | link | comments (9)

#491

You're softer than a cannon blast
But your effects much longer last
And I want you just like a hole in my head
But I need you like a meal and a bed
And you say, "Come on, I'm not what you're after."
But I know you're not just anyone, anyone

I'm not what you want
No, I'm not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone

And you're an army in a horse
And you have taken me by force
And all the freedom in this world could not resist
The sweet temptation of your sweet elusiveness
So I say "Come on!" as the gate swings open
Cause I know you're not just anyone, anyone

And the lie's always cheaper than the truth
But the lie's all I've ever known of you
Maybe none of this is true.

  - what you want, caedmon's call

=====

Another one of those songs. Caedmon's Call.  these guys know my soul well.

posted by moonbeam at March 20, 2004 04:01 | link | comments (5)

#490 so many things to pickle tonight

my friends and i went to a free concert and as expected, a lot of people were there. most of them were probably of my age. the music was good, the performers were awesome, everyone had fun. i should've had too. but then again i should've known. while everyone enjoyed the good food-music-company of friends and all, i was too busy counting how many seconds the wallfans sprayed the mist and how many seconds it took to reload or something. 13 seconds of continuous spraying, and a pause or interval of another 13 seconds.

there was this police dog that caught my attention. yes, he/she(it was a bit dark, I cant really see if the dog was male/female but then again it really doesn’t matter) was raised to be a guardian, on the alert, sniffing around for suspicious things. but this particular dog was too thin for its breed and was already limping a bit. but its master, this uniformed guy wouldn’t let him sleep or lie down. everytime the dog relaxes his head on the floor, mr uniformed guy would give a big jolt on the ropes and the dog would be startled and sit straight. they were like this the whole night and all I could do was give the dog a wave whenever he looked at me. oh, and the dog was tied to the chains in such way as when mr uniformed guy pulls the chain, the knot tightens. then at the end of the show there were fireworks and the dog was scared; he kept jumping and wailing and the uniformed guy tugged at him. the dog was scared and choking at the same time. but my friends and had to leave.

it’s so sad whenever relationships are ruptured because of miscommunication. or if one refuses to settle things with the other only because he/she already got this idea stuck in his/her head, and he/she’s willing to live with that. or if one party is soo inarticulate and the other party takes things at face value. something like that. ah heck. just take the first line of this paragraph. i’m also confused.

It’s so sad when you start a joke and a year later it would be on you. A year ago after graduation I refused to be called a ‘bum’ and told those who asked that I was a freelancer. A year later after really deciding that I’ll go freelance, one of my close HS friend asks how I am and I told her that I’m a freelancer and she replies with a laugh and asked me if being a freelancer the politically correct term for being a bum. funny, I told the same joke a year ago. That account with my close HS friend was followed by more of basically the same joke with other friends. And relatives. Sad, when people think that you’re just slacking your life away. And all the while you thought that you’re making a progress. Yes, what people think about you really doesn’t matter. But then again...argh. mark my word. one day i'm going to tell stories and people will laugh at things that made me laugh one time or another. people will cry with me. people will hear my thoughts. they might argue with me, but it will be ok. people will have a piece of my mind, and certainly not just because of this blog. one day. i'll make a movie. one day....but for now, i'll sit and go edit this wedding. oh well.

one friend asked me if I’m not afraid of being branded as this goodie-good person. i just smiled. but then again, I was thinking, there’s no difference between being treated as this good-nice-harmless person and being this honest-‘human’ person. inside, we’re all just the same rotten person. the only difference is that while some admit the things they do in public and say that they’re just normal human nature, some are so ashamed and believe that there’s more to these than just mere human nature. okay again I lost my trail of thought. bottomline is, when someone died for you and is willing to suffer all over again, and you learn that you are accepted the way you are and for all the horrid things you did and are capable of and will do in the future, the way you look at things will change. Hell, everything will change.

i’ve lost my glasses for a month now. 6pm onwards, the city is just a big blur to me, and people all look the same.

I’m supposed to make a concept for a short film we’re supposed to shoot, but these days I can’t focus. Once in a while ideas pop, but not like the way they used to. Are there any medicine available over the counter that makes one focus his mind on the important things? If there is, tell me asap. I need one before the end of march. Hehe. Hey congratulate me I got caffeine out of my system. it was a success I had the urge to celebrate. i drank coffee.

if you shout in the middle of a large crowd and people learn that you are just frustrated at the way certain things worked out and they get mad at you, does that mean that they would rather see you with a knife in your belly or something?

the new puppy recognizes me now. ”ah, here’s the one who always comes home late.” the little turtle told me that I should really have my hair cut, while the big one told me that I should grow my hair long and treat it as my shell. that way I can hide my eyes with my bangs. the lion-dog only calls me for food and drinks recently, and tells me that that is just the way certain relationships have to be. All the fishy fish inside the aquarium are crowding on one side right now. They’re probably talking about me.

ever experienced wanting to hear this particular song, even though you already know it by heart? i did, just this night. and then I realized that I erased the whole 45gig’s worth of mp3’s in my pc to give way for the videos I had to capture for work. Including the song I wanted to hear tonight. i browsed at my old cd’s and surprise of all surprises, I burned the whole album to which that song belonged to.i really can’t remember doing this. wawel of some time in the past, you really did your wawel of the future a big favor when u decided to burn this particular cd.

tonight I’ll embrace this song till I sleep.

No one would love me
If they knew all the things I hide
My words fall to the floor
As tears drip through the telephone line

And the hands I've seen raised to the sky
Not waving but drowning all this time
I'll try to build the ark that they need
To float to you upon the crystal sea

Give me your hand to hold
'Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low
Swing your robe down low

The prince of despair's been beaten
But the loser still fights
Death's on a long leash
Stealing my friends to the night

And everyone cries for the innocent
You say to love the guilty, too
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness
So I'm working tearing back the roof

And the pain of the world is a burden and it's my cross to bear
And I stumble under all the weight
I know you're Simon standing there
And I know you're standing there
Caedmon's Call
Long Line of Leavers

hey, i'm just one sleepy being struggling to salvage some thoughts before i die tonight. when i am reborn tomorrow, i might not find these thoughts anymore. :)

posted by moonbeam at March 20, 2004 03:36 | link | comments (2)

#489: the bandwagon

 

1. First Name?
moonbeam     
2. Were you named after anyone?
my real name? sa  tapakan ng jeep. And all the while I thought I was named after my father. noooOOO!
3. Do you wish on stars?
I talk to them
4. Which finger is your favourite?
pinky!! Walang kalyo.
5. When did you last cry?
a week ago.
6. Do you like your handwriting?
yesyesyo!
7. What is your favourite meat?
chicken!
8. bad habits?
induced insomnia
9. What is your most embarrassing moment?

nahulog sa manhole in front of many people.  [embarrassed  already]
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH yourself?
yeah! Ayain ko pa magsine.  Pero ung libre lang.
11. Are you a daredevil?
minsan.
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
nope. Yes. True. Believe me. Promise.
13. Does looks matter?
yes. Especially in front of prospective editing clients.
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?
most of the time
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
nope
16. Do fish have feelings?

Yes!! they recognize my father.

17. Are you trendy?
nah
18. How do you release anger?
walk it off. Laugh it off.
19. Where is your second home?
none
20. What came first the chicken or the egg?
chicken
21. What was your favourite toy as a child?
si big boa ng g.i. joe. Minighty bond ko pa siya nung maputol ung rubber niya sa tiyan.
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless?
STS. Unless they decrease the topics covered.
23. What's your goal in life?
to follow  His day-to-day guidance. With patience.
24. Have you ever been on radio or television?
yebah. Breakfast. Ch23.
25. Do u keep a journal?
I used to. Kaya lang ndi ko na naupdate.
26. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
yes
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
what’s a mosh pit?
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl?
reactions to different situations
29. What are your nicknames?

Wel, wawel, dan, roel  -> in order of intimacy.  Ay meron pa isa - > hoy.
30. Would you bungee?
yesyesyo
31. Do you un-tie your shoes when you take them off?>
sorry, I removed my shoelaces a month ago.

32. What are you worried about right now?
hmmm. Basta I’m trying everyday to lay it on His feet.
33. Do you ever wear overalls?
what’s that?
34. What's your favorite yosi?
nope I don't smoke.
35. What's your favourite ice cream flavor?
coffee crumble!!! Arrghh I need one right now...
37. What is your least fav. thing in the world?
cant think of one right now..
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
three
39. Are you in love with anyone?
hmmm
40. How many people have a crush on you right now?
hmmm?
41. Who do you miss most right now?
my  KALAYAAN batchmates. Argh I miss u all!!! nasan na kayo!?

posted by moonbeam at March 18, 2004 04:06 | link | comments (6)

#488 redundancy

i'd rather have concrete than glass walls
so that i see only what is inside my room
but with glass walls
i see things beyond me
i stare at them
and stare again
and begin
to find beauty

but the saddest part
is when i reach for them.

should i wait for God to grant men
the ability to transcend walls?

or should i start covering my glass walls?

(sigh)

posted by moonbeam at March 16, 2004 00:11 | link | comments (2)

#487 painful truth

i am always late.

no matter how i try to prepare myself the night before, no matter what time i set the alarm clock, i always end up waking only because a friend/client is already calling me on my phone. i always unconsciously turn off my alarm clock and cellphone. i don't know. i'm dead sure i always turn them all on before i sleep, but in the morning, they're all already turned off and i am already late for my appointments.

what must i do!?

posted by moonbeam at March 15, 2004 10:43 | link | comments (16)

#486 another crazy time

it's 4:30am.

my parents came home with a bag of pancit bihon from our friendly 24-7 noodlehouse after sending my sister to her office (call center).

there we were, heartily devouring the pancit.

and during the whole time we were eating, my mom and dad talked of all our relatives and friends who died because they supposedly ate pancit bihon before they slept.

in graphic detail. with stoic faces. in front of me.

unfortunately after hours of staring at the pc monitor,i had no energy left in me to redirect the conversation to anything else mundane.

i. am. moonbeam.
i eat pancit bihon before i sleep at 5am.
and in my side of the world, everything is perfectly normal.
pass the kryptonite please.
(moonbeam swallows the kryptonite and jumps off the building)

---

pancit bihon. empty stomach. coke = recipe for bangungot?
calling med students...enlighten me pls.

posted by moonbeam at March 13, 2004 05:06 | link | comments (4)

#485 crazy times

hi i'm moonbeam.

right now i'm editing a video, erasing someone's bloodied hands while he screams to death.
my dog is howling, bothered by the heavy subwoofer sounds of our neighbor.
beside me is my mother, asking me every 5 minutes if the beaded accessory she's attaching to her blouse is straight. she laughs everytime i tell her it's not. and i tell her it's crooked all the time.
the fish in the aquarium is chasing the smaller one, and he bumps on one side every now and then.
the drunk neighbor is now singing his version of the pamela song.
and our other neighbor has been playing it for four days straight now.
i love ebtg's old friends music video.
when i was a child i used vicks vaporub to connect my voltes V toy.
got lost in the mall once when i was 6.
mistaken for a girl thrice on the phone this month.
fell in love a couple of times when i was in college.
fell in a manhole once when i was 19.
shaved a spot on my head once when i was 16.
attacked by a bat once this month.

hi i'm moonbeam.
and in my side of the world, everything is perfectly normal.
pass the kryptonite please.
(moonbeam swallows the kryptonite and jumps off the building)

posted by moonbeam at March 12, 2004 17:29 | link | comments (5)

#484

There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But it's not me, it's You

Sometimes ignorance rings true
But hope is not in what I know
Not in me, it's in You

It's all I know

I find peace when I'm confused
I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, but in You

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end
Not in me, It's You

It's all I know

                   (you,switchfoot)

posted by moonbeam at March 11, 2004 09:27 | link | comments (2)

#483: the game

I never had a family computer.  That was one of my frustrations  as a child.  When the family computer  “season” came and almost all of our neighborhood had one,  I belonged to the small number of children left outside the streets during Saturday afternoons.  Everyone else was stuck to their TV screens playing with Mario or Luigi when they should have been playing with us.  They played Battle City  while our small group of ‘outcasts’ played piko, tantsing, and those cops-and-robbers games.   Yes, I felt incomplete then. Life was soooo unfair.  It was as if my joy would not have been complete without that small maroon box named Nintendo.

            But now as I look back, I wonder why I focused on those things I never had.  I really enjoyed my childhood after all.   I will never forget how we laughed at one another whenever we trip over as we played mataya-taya or how funny we looked whenever we hid beneath the drum but with our foreheads exposed. I will forever treasure those Saturday afternoons when we played until the sun set and we were called one by one by our parents.   Right now, I can play video games.  Just the way I dreamt it years ago, and just the way I could have played it years ago.   But I think I won’t be able to play those games I used to play anymore.  Not with much enthusiasm and careless joy as I used to.  And definitely not with those too familiar faces I used to play with. 

 

posted by moonbeam at March 11, 2004 04:35 | link | comments (7)

#482: dusty mornings

my room is all dusty now. after weeks (ok, months) of negligence, things have gathered dust again. and while i prepare my things,  they catch my attention.  aren't you amazed at the way a dull surface begin acquire detail just by adding dust on them?  add to that the morning sunshine embracing every speck of dust on the surface and you have a sight to behold. for a moment, the roosters stop crowing, the children stops playing,  the radios cease to talk.  i stare at the dust-covered things in my room.  even time seems to stop,  as if everything is as still as my dead alarm clock. i am supposed to rush things today, but for now, i stop. and breathe. and sneeze. time resurrects, flying ants start to follow the path of the morning sunshine towards my window. radios, children and roosters resume their morning rituals. and my cellphone tells me of friends already waiting for me.   ok, gottago.

posted by moonbeam at March 09, 2004 08:54 | link | comments (2)