#477: random thoughts while rendering

 

++ i have OC tendencies. ok, OC# 001:  in any comfort room i come across with, i can't resist the urge to fill up the water bucket before i leave.  for practical purposes.  in case of fire. in case mawalan ng tubig habang nagsasabon ka.  hence it really takes time for me to leave the cr, even if i just have to pee. hmm that's why my friends always tease me for being very 'territorial', always leaving a mark (they  presume na jumejebs ako sa lahat ng location ng shoot namin). but hey it's not true. perhaps 70% of my long stays inside the comfort room's due to this OC #001.  well oh ok.  60%.   hmm 55%.   end of discussion.

++ argh. i love norah jones. argh.  sunrise  music video.

++ there's always something with those defocused shadows of leaves on wooden walls of a typical 80's house that mesmerize me.

++ [ehem] my birthday's on june 28. matagal pa. but if you want to make someone happy  on that day, go give him a copy of the palanca anthology on poetry. or the one on short stories.  a bit expensive? go find others who'd want to do the same. hey  joint efforts count too.  basta.  june 28. must. have. that. book.  earlier? mas masaya.  ah there's another option. do you want to be treasured forever? then go the next level and buy him a copy of six feet under: better living through death.

++ snack of the month:  suncrest's JAM bites. yes. the blueberry one.

++ hey everyone. help me on this.  i'm convincing every meal-serving establishment i come across with to offer bottomless iced tea. last attempt was with thai canteen sa balara. she just laughed at me. same thing happened with mcdo quezon ave and philcoa. and bento box delta. and the carinderia here in talipapa.  argh. help pls. i .cannot. do. this. alone.

++ while washing the dishes yesterday a refreshing wind passed by (a school yard full of trees across the creek  faces our sink).  it was so refreshing, reminiscent of those winds back in our province. associated with large mango trees with dancing leaves. and small huts. and lazy lunchtimes.  the wind blew. and i told her, you're not from around here, eh. lost?  she never answered back.  perhaps another inquisitive uncontented soul was the last person she would've wanted to hold a conversation with.

 [ ah. at last. i'm finished rendering. ]

 

 

posted by moonbeam at February 28, 2004 16:24 | link | comments (8)

#476

Dear Wawel 1996,

 

Bona just died today. And you never shed a single tear. Perhaps you’ve grown to understand things? Or you’ve grown stone-hard? Unfortunately, the question of animals having souls and if there are opportunities of meeting all of them again in heaven are still unanswered as of 2004. Weird huh? And you thought you’ll be a perfectly fine and wise man by the time you reach 20. Dream on, kid. Hey favor. Hold on to the stories you want to tell, ok? Please please write them down. And keep them in a safe place. I’ll be looking for them.

 

Ps. Prepare yourself. For things to come. Haha.

 

Wawel 2004.

 

==========

 

Dear Wawel of the future,

 

I can’t wait to be you. As of 2004, you are still one confused kid. Do you still have the same set of friends as I have now? Do you still love the things I love today? Who’s with you now? Ah ok never mind that last question. Am I taking the right path towards where I am supposed to be? Are you where you are supposed to be?

 

Wawel 2004

posted by moonbeam at February 27, 2004 02:47 | link | comments (4)

#475: tribute to bona

Bona the faithful

1996 – 2004

 

Bona died earlier today. She survived two puppies.

 

Two days ago she had a heart attack; her left leg paralyzed like that of an old man, and she breathed heavily everyone in our home was dead-worried. That night her breathing resumed but her overall vigor dropped. We decided not to bring her to the hospital and just let her be with her pups and with us here at home. Around 3pm in the afternoon, we heard a thud. It was Bona trying to stand up for the last time. A gentle thud and she was gone.

 

She came to us all the way from Nueva Ecija back in 1996 when my grandfather’s health failed and there was no one to take care of her.

 

Since then she became a part of our family. The first dog that we ever raised and we grew fond of. Oh, we had one before, Rapol, but he went mad. And she looks just like Rapol, pointy ears, color and all.

 

She was named Bona, since my brother then always threw up whenever we went on a long trip. Yes, after that anti-throwing up medicine. Kontra-biyahilo.

 

I remember very well that fateful day when I went home from ROTC realizing that I had no keys and everyone else would be arriving at night. My phone was dead, my purse empty. Bona was my only companion. She spent the rest of the day listening as I chatted away my frustrations. And I never got to thank her for that.

 

Bona is the only dog that can stay still for eternity, if you want her to. She will sleep right on your hands.

 

It will really be different passing through our backyard from now on, knowing that there was once an occupant there who spent a whole afternoon listening to me.

 

And oh, I can still feel the weight of her head on my palms.

 

We’ll miss you, Bona.

 

 

posted by moonbeam at February 27, 2004 02:44 | link | comments (4)

#474: breather

I’ve been so busy these past few days.

 

Hectic. Toxic.

 

I’ve been so busy I haven’t even noticed that things around me are changing.

Unviewed vcds and dvds have quietly put up protest boards telling me to stop getting more of them until I consume what I’ve already piled up.

Pinoch the lying turtle is scared of me again.

Max’s eyes are now fully covered.

Things in my room have missed me so much that they want to play hide and seek first before I get to use them.

Bona’s puppies now have ADD.

Bona is slowly dying. (more on this later)

My mom’s hair has grown a bit longer (or is it just me)

My brother’s JS Prom is over.

My father has recovered from his steroid withdrawal symptoms.

My sister has gone to that new cinema in Eastwood.

 

Hmm makes me think if something’s happening with me too. ( nose – present! zits – all here! eyes – a bit heavier but still here! heartaches – argh still here. friends – awww, still here. ) O well, it’s still the same beautiful bittersweet world.

 

Hey out of nowhere, a friend sent me an SMS telling me that I’ll be getting 2 tickets for the opening night of one of my favorite film festivals, EIGA SAI 2004(japanese film fest). yey! It’s on March 2, 7pm at the UP Film Center (now University Cinema). I’m already looking forward to it. I have no idea what's going to be screened on the gala night, but what the heck. bring it on!

 

Ok, about the other extra ticket. Of course, someone’s name involuntarily surfaced right away. but then again, hey moonbeam. You better stick to what you’ve prayed about.

 

So.

 

Anyone wanna join me? This. Is. Not. Fishing. J

posted by moonbeam at February 26, 2004 09:36 | link | comments (6)

#473

 

 

posted by moonbeam at February 25, 2004 20:27 | link | comments (2)

#472

i can't be losing sleep over this
no, i can't
and now i cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
because by tomorrow morning i'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
i wish that it was just that easy

i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if i fall
out of what i fell in
don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again
i don't want to run away from this
i know that i just don't need this

cause i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream

- lifehouse , no name face

========

(wawel grabs the song and eats it whole)

sometimes dont you wish that we're just like everybody else, diving into everything without any hesitation? But then again, things are too precious to rely on mere emotions.

Lord, make me shut up. i'm scared to the bone marrow but still, make me ignore the waters below me and look straight towards you.

========

finally got myself a copy of Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation. a pretty good pdvd, with all of the interviews and music videos intact. Reviews describe it as one of the best bittersweet movies of the year. I'm looking forward to watching it later. wanna join me?

one of the things i miss from my college years was skipping my sts classes to watch a free obscure film alone at the film center (now called university cinema). Only a few things match that feeling while watching the credits roll off a wonderfully made film. the thought of you growing a little bit because of the movie, the thought of you growing a little bit because of the movie FOR FREE, aah. the best.

and oh, the panic of not finding your handkerchief just when the theater lights are all up and the people are all rushing towards the exit and the thought that someone might see you in such state, oh i miss that.

and if i watch the early screening (3pm or 4pm), after the movie,  i have this added bonus of the carillon singing a song as i walk towards central with a beautiful sunset following me.

i miss those days.

posted by moonbeam at February 12, 2004 22:17 | link | comments (13)

#471

In the middle of everything  I have to do this afternoon, I stared at my window and saw a green towel and some of my shirts on the clothesline dance with the papaya leaves nearby. They danced to whatever song the wind decided to play.

 

            In the morning. 

Everything’s fine in the morning. 

The rain will be gone in the morning. 

But you’ll still be here in the morning.

 

Somewhere inside me someone is waging a war.  I’ve been ignoring this for a long time now. Come Saturday, I’ll heed the call. It’s about time I confront my demons.  Stare at my mess. Stop relying on the wrong things.  Put things in their proper places.  And submit. 

 

Perhaps it would  shatter into pieces. But then again, it has been falling piece by tiny piece for a long time already.  Might as well crush it with one blow. 

 

And let the hand make something out of it again.

 

posted by moonbeam at February 11, 2004 15:08 | link | comments (9)

#470

from cocoy, my christmass badi.

Is there a lonelier room, without windows and doors, than waiting?

To wait – for someone who is waiting, for someone who is human – is somewhat to bleed alone.  To wait is to submit to time that creeps longer, slower than eternity.

Is there a harder discipline than waiting, when at the slightest attempt at concentration your innards begin kicking to escape, tossing and turning?  Is there a harder sacrifice, for the man who is waiting, when his eyes are hot, and his nape is burning, like wild forest fire?

Do we imagine that happiness is to be discovered by digging furiously for treasure, by relentless pursuit?  And what if we find a chest of gold and silver?  Shall we find happiness by then?  But what if we find, in that deep, deep black hole that we’ve dug, in that beautiful box, carcasses and corpses?  Shall we begin our celebration then?

For the one who waits, time is the fiercest enemy, recklessness the defeat, despair the surest path to misery.

Waiting is an offended ego.

To sit in the waiting room is to admit that you are being made to wait. You’ve done your part, and your time, you come all dressed up, you have money, but whoever, whatever it is you’ve come for cannot attend to you, at the moment, or maybe ever. And you’re asked to find a seat, to wait.

You can’t force yourself in, because you don’t know what force, and how, could come back at you. And even if you cunningly force yourself in, if the waiting time is not yet up, you will have nothing – nothing, at least, of worth. Then, there might never be a chance for you to get back into the waiting room, because they might ask you to leave, after your intrusion. And if you refuse, they might use force, what do you know?

To sit in the waiting room is to admit that you – you, who are intelligent and charming, and schooled, and popular or extraordinary – can’t do anything, mustn’t do anything; and you, who always thought of yourself as ordinary and unnoticed, and little, will find that the waiting room is staring you in the face, convincing you that what you’ve thought about yourself, all along, is confirmed, in that room, where everybody else gets on ahead of you, and you’re number is never called.

I don’t know if something can test our understanding of the cross more than fervent desire can.  To wait is to suffer – you can hear your heart breaking into pieces, waiting; you can hear the echoes of unanswered prayers, see them falling to the ground, waiting; the anguish of restraint, for one who really, honestly restrains!  These are tribulations – when you want certainty, now!, and you are instead asked to walk in darkness.

======

for all of us who wait.

 

posted by moonbeam at February 11, 2004 05:15 | link | comments (2)

#469

 

 

I trust in You, O Lord;  I say, “You are my God.”  My times are in Your hands.

                                                                                                                 Psalm 31:14-15

 

Most of the time, I find it easy to trust God with a lot of things. My daily meal, my safety, my work, my family, my friends.  Trusting God with everyday concerns can easily become a habit; they’re all part of the daily routine. I can easily  say I trust Him though in the back of my mind I still think that I ought to do all the work.

 

But when God calls you to trust  Him with the most precious details in your life, that’s the time you stop taking your faith for granted.  It’s the time when your faith is put on the weighing scale and the results slammed on your face.

 

When you are called to trust Him with the few precious things in your life,  that’s the time when you decide to let go of things and hold on to the very essence of your faith.

 

That’s the time when hearts begin to break. 

 

[psalm 34:18]

posted by moonbeam at February 09, 2004 03:34 | link | comments (5)

#468: going to bed on a sad note.

 

How do you go to bed on a sad note?

 

When you are taken for granted. You are supposed to go to bed on a sad note only when you feel that people take you for granted.

 

It’s when you feel that people only come to you when they need help. It’s when people respond only when they want to, but never when they’re supposed to.

And it is soo sad. Sad, sad, sad.

 

You go to bed on a sad note when people see you only for the helping hand you can offer. Or for the jokes you can pop out. Or the supposed ‘aura of hope’ you emit. Or ‘aura of joy’. Or whatever positive auras one can possibly emit.

 

You go to bed on a sad note when you realize that you have been wearing masks for too long now, and people start recognizing you by the masks, and not by the face that they hide nor the hand that carved them.

 

Come to think of it, if you were wrong about thinking that people take you for granted, it means that you have mistrusted them, and it is such a sad thing to mistrust people. And if you were right all along it’s just as sad, if not sadder.

 

Did Christ die on a sad note? Or was He really driven to the point of numbness, that He ignored the thought of seeing the people He is supposed to die for abandon Him at the least and mock His face at most? I wonder, did He really stoop down to the level of men to such extent as to undergo such sadness too?

 

They say that emotions blur one’s thinking. Perhaps as I go to bed with a sad note, my thoughts are already blurred.

 

I have written 13 sad words in this blog entry, but still it’s not enough to empty my barrel.

 

I die every time I sleep, and I am reborn every time I wake up.

 

Tonight I die with a sad note. And I more than ever look forward to my rebirth.

 

14th, and still counting.

posted by moonbeam at February 01, 2004 01:53 | link | comments (7)