poetry attempt # 101

i'd rather have concrete than glass walls
so that i see only what is inside my room
but with glass walls
i see things beyond me
i stare at them
and stare again
and begin
to find beauty

but the hardest part
is when i reach for them.

should i wait for God to grant men
the ability to transcend walls?

or should i start covering my glass walls?

 

posted by moonbeam at October 24, 2003 02:14 | link | comments (4)

# 444: a journal entry on registration, piracy and the ongpin adventure dated october 23, 2003

7:30am
wake up call. another 15 minutes please. thank heavens for the SNOOZE feature on alarm clocks.

7:45am
wake up call. promise, 5 more minutes and i'll be up and running.

7:50am
the real wake up call. my mom came with her flying fist technique 5 seconds before the alarm went off. no one would ever dare ignore the pain when someone slaps u on the thighs.must wake up earlier than that of my usual schedule. it's registration-at-our-barangay hall-it's-now-or-never day today. but before i prepared my things, i tried doing some push ups and some running. have to get rid of these flabs or i'll end up a blob someday.my ankles and knees still hurt a bit. perhaps all those running around the oval last monday paid off.

8:30am
barangay hall. upon seeing the large number of people around the hall, for the Nth time i was tempted to forget all these registration stuff. a friend reminded me through sms that UP students (err OK, alumni) should be the last to retreat upon seeing long long lines of people. but nothing could have prepared me for this. aside from the painfully slow progression of the line you're in, large, tobacco smoking men from another planet were letting their kumares and kumpares in. ooh, the privilege of having connections. these are the times when i can relate with bruce banner, when he's fighting the rage.

i'm a Christian...i'm a Christian...inhale...1,2,3.say 'banana!'. thank God for friends and sms.

perhaps i should just leave. it's just one vote. probably wont destroy this nation if i wont vote in the coming elections. but then again, we are most of the time blind when it comes to the most important things. if everyone thinks the same way as i do, might as well forget about government and all.

so i persisted.

10:30am
ah, finally got a number. 782. ---now serving 105--- sheesh.

11:00am
internet cafe. YM. spilled out my rants to a friend. the wonders of technology.

12:00 noon
went back to the hall. ---now serving 159---- LUNCH BREAK.
okidok. grabbed some bacon cheeseburger at a nearby newly opened MINUTE BURGER. reminiscent of the high school days when we used to eat at SCOTT BURGERS, the perpetual buy-one-take-one burger chain. the only difference is that i'm alone right now. o well.

1:00pm
at the rate they're going, there's no way my number will be served. went home to change clothes. now i'm off to quiapo to buy some minidv's. and peek at wat's new on dvd. yes i buy pirated dvds. m so sorry but i do.i have my reasons but i wont reason out now. i just do.

2:15pm
FX, quiapo bound. there is this famed MEI AH cd store where they sell ORIGINAL hongkong/chinese/korean films. i've never been to ongpin before. but perhaps i'll check it out. i'm acting on impulse again.

2:45pm
got off at raon and started my urban trekking. the minidvs can wait. texted my prof who mentioned the store. 'basta ikutin mo yan.' thank you very much. at least assure me that it's within the vicinity. kung gusto mo magkalesa ka hehehe. o well. the trek begins.

3:15pm
i'm already a bit lost. ask me right then and there which direction the quiapo church is located and i might already entertain second thoughts. i'm a bit exhausted, but i actually enjoy this. nothing is familiar around me. umm, recap. i have the name of the store:yes, street:none, directions:none, landmarks:none, other misc details:i recall from our previous conversations these things: bridge, kalesa, ongpin, sta ana church, salazar.

i see chinky eyes; ah ongpin.
ah kalesa. here, there everywhere. good sign.
ah, sta ana church!

i really enjoy this! maybe one day, i'll try it in a larger scale, say, a province? cool! :)

then out of nowhere, i see the signboard: MEI AH.
it was well worth it. found many films by wong kar wai (which unfortunately i already have), and some other asian films worth watching. mark this day, i got two titles. see? i have the guts to buy original vcds too. sheesh.

it's not how much you earn but how much you save that matters.

one friend told me that. must control myself.

4:00pm
tried my best earlier not to be too fascinated with all the movie titles in front of me because when i do, i forget about the other temporary details in my head. and i still need to get back to quiapo proper. oh no, i got too fascinated. it's prayer time again...

4:30pm
quiapo. whew.

5:00pm
FX, homebound!!

6:00pm
i passed by our barangay hall again, and it really was a wise decision to leave earlier that day. ---NOW SERVING 440--- and the people are already complaining. i'll go try my luck at the city hall next week. or like one of my friends, perhaps i should register in our province.no, no. novaliches.

8:00pm
enjoying my loot!
like most things, it was well worth the pain and exhaustion.

urban trekking again anyone? :)

posted by moonbeam at October 24, 2003 01:46 | link | comments (3)

song no.13

     I watched you sit alone
        I watched you cry your eyes out
        Now tell me what you've done
        Is it so bad that...
        I would shut you out and
        Leave you here alone?
        Yes, I saw what you did
        I was right there with you
        I won't let you sink...no, I forgive you
        Phobic...don't be
        Grace needs a little more freedom
        Phobic...don't be
        Love needs room to breathe
        I have watched you grow
        And I've stood in your shadow
        I've never walked away
        I hold the stars and
        I hold your heart so
        Don't ever be afraid   
        Yes, I know when you breathe
        And I feel when you need
        I won't let you sink...no, I forgive you
        You can be healed
        You can be free
        You can know peace
        Never be afraid again...

                              -Plumb's Phobic
================

sometimes  i wonder to what extent God would love me. i must be one hell of a sheep, always running away from grace.

hello up there, dont You get sick and tired of  this cycle? 

most of the time i wish He does.

go ahead strike me now with lightning. get it over with, please.  spare me the guilty feeling. spare me the conversations with my conscience.  one less dirty sheep you should be concerned with. why dont you do that anymore, those instantaneous death like the ones you used to do in the early times? i will even gladly stay on the roof all night and wait for you.

but then again in the morning when i wake up, its not my aching back or my feet that has gone numb that i notice, but the gentle warm sun peering into my room.

and these are the times i'm thankful that no lightning struck.

love needs room to breathe,
grace needs a little more freedom.

posted by moonbeam at October 20, 2003 06:58 | link | comments (3)

song no.12

When I'm cold and alone all I want is my freedom
And a sudden gust of gravity
I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me
Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind
You'll overcome me and swell up around me
With my fighting so vain, with my vanity so fought
I'm rolling over

'Cause in just the same way
That the stream becomes swollen
Swollen with cold up over the ground
When my heart draws close to the close of autumn
Your love, your love abounds
All the time I'm thinking
Wondering how would it be
To breathe in deep
I guess I need to be careful
When I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for)
And I know just what you'd say to me
That's why I don't ask you
What would I ask you?
I'm like a bullheaded boy these days
Crying my toy's gone...
Yours is shiny and new

Guess I'll drop my anger here
Before I float away
And the chains around me
An awful lot of talking
I don't leave you much to say
You didn't ever leave me
And my greatest fear
Was you'd leave me here
A long time back my feet
Could touch the bottom

 - Caedmon's Call, Close of Autumn

 

======

one of the wonders of music is that it speaks for you. at that moment when u feel soo inarticulate with your thoughts and emotions, it comes to you, speaking out all that you have been contemplating but somehow you cannot put into words.

i better start listening more. who knows, tomorrow i might be deaf.

give me the eyes to see you, the ears to hear you, the tongue to speak about you, and the soul to long for you.

posted by moonbeam at October 17, 2003 17:37 | link | comments (1)

random thoughts on cleaning my room. pik-a-pik!

coherence not guaranteed

i just cleaned my room a while ago.

and i'm sooo proud of it. these past few months i got used referring to it as my 'jungle'. no, really, it is a jungle, if only you can see it.

i even found a pack of disposable forks in my drawer. my, i really can't remember how it got there.

a friend of mine used such cleaning of the room as a metaphor in her thesis for putting one's life in order.

don't you sometimes wish that arranging our lives is as simple as cleaning our room? forgetting the bitter memories is as simple as sweeping the floor?

what i dread most in cleaning my room is finding some things i thought i've lost a long time ago. well, i did.

the only constant thing in this world is change. so they say. well, we all see ourselves in the mirror everyday, and it seems that we dont change. but it only takes a photograph taken five years ago to convince me that i am a normal human being that gets older and older. the same goes with our way of thinking, i really don't feel that my way of thinking has changed compared to a year ago, but rediscovering my sophomore or junior essays say otherwise.

with a hard struggle, i finished cleaning my room. it took me six hours. taking the time i spent going over my rediscovered stuff (aka my treasures) off, well it just took me an hour or two. hah. they should've taken a picture of me cleaning my room. perhaps this won't happen again until mars comes near to our planet again. i definitely deserve a reward.

coffee anyone?

it's good for the liver, mind you. http://www.coffeeperks.com/health.html hehe something to read in your spare time.

posted by moonbeam at October 05, 2003 03:52 | link | comments (3)

even playgrounds get lonely at night
when all the children have been called home
the bright colored fixtures embraced by shadows
and the childish screams replaced by the rustling of leaves.
silence reigns every now and then.

tomorrow, life begins anew.

posted by moonbeam at October 05, 2003 03:39 | link | comments (1)

rerun # 4

sitting
here with all
those thoughts i
cannot drive away
makes me ignore the unusual
silence that everything around me
has gone into.
it is as if i have found
a priceless treasure;
as if a breathtaking view
is before me.
so near yet beyond my reach
i cannot but only appreciate
from where i stand and
from where i am supposed to be.

and pray
that someday
i'll be a part
of that masterpiece.

posted by moonbeam at October 05, 2003 03:34 | link | comments (2)

thought-tot # 441

a can of mixed thoughts

if i remain silent, will i lose you?

i don't know what to do with you anymore. one side of me wants to believe that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. if i dont make a move now, i'm dead. the world is slowly shrinking, and every opportunity lying around is bound to fall on the hands of whoever comes to it first. everyone moves so fast it seems that there is no space for destiny or the divine hand to move in our lives anymore.

yet another side of me tells me that He is still in control. too many things have happened in my life for me to turn my back on this truth.

but still, most of the time i struggle.

if i remain silent now, will i lose you?

we are of different planets, yet there are moments when i feel that we are of the same home. perhaps time can smoothen our rough edges. perhaps not. am i guilty of being passive if i choose to wait? i really dont know. all i know is that right now, i just want to hide behind my shell again. i am so scared to discover that the reality slowly unfolding before me is again only just a part of the novel i alone am writing.

i am too tired to even think of it. i can only wait. and hope.

all good things come to those who wait, they say. there is a time for everything, He says.

i constantly run away from Him. but right now, i desperately need my Father's shoulders.

 

posted by moonbeam at October 04, 2003 03:31 | link | comments (2)